The Lingering Scent of You Jasmine Wagstaff Flick I listen to the hiss of the flame as it kisses my cigarette I take in the first drag in the cold early morning It’s the first thing I do every day Before eating, before taking my meds, before getting dressed It’s the first thing you used to do every morning too love I remember the first time the smoke filled my lungs I felt disgusting, but you encouraged me to keep going I brushed my teeth until my gums bled afterwards I never told you that part Flick I like the taste of it now The way the burning sensation hits my throat and lungs I know it’s no good for me But neither were you No wonder it tastes like you It tastes like those late night parties that ended at sunrise the next day It tastes like your early morning kisses on a cold March day I like the way the smell lingers on my hands and clothes, the way your perfume used to 94 Flick I try not to take the time to think when I smoke anymore It’s a habit, a reflex and nothing else When I walk to the bus stop Or leave a store Or when I’m on a break at work Always with headphones in Always with a distraction If I allow my mind to wander it leads back to you without fail Like how all rivers lead to the sea no matter where it starts it ends with you Flick Sometimes when I’m lonely I close my eyes when I take the first drag I let it sit in my airway just a bit longer I pretend you’re standing beside me on the apartment balcony again And I exhale And I open my eyes And you’re not there I watch the smoke fade away and disappear I look to the sky and imagine I’m sending it to you 95 Flick I miss you Yes you were poisonous and toxic You were awful for me I never smoked before I met you I barely drank and I certainly didn’t do anything else But one New Year’s Eve party lead to more and more weekends spent together wasted Soon the burning wasn’t just in my throat and a lighter didn’t just mean a cigarette The burning filled my lungs, my nostrils, my veins Belts meant something new to me and I reached the limits of the highs and lows a body can endure We were bound to burn out soon We knew these things never last long 96 Flick It’s been nearly eight years I hope you can see me now I’ve come a long way I only use belts for jeans now and the only thing that makes my heart race is adrenaline It’s been years I’ve quit all my vices All but one, the first One day I’ll quit this nasty habit One day I will truly let you go But the rush is worth the pain it costs And I’m not ready to quit you yet So I fidget with my lighter and I chastise myself as I reach for my pack I light another cigarette and I allow your memory to fill me up once more because I’m not ready to let you go And I exhale those memories and send them your way Until I can at long last see you again 97